(Sent to us by Captain Michelle Smith, Ohio National Guard)
Capt. Michelle Smith
Captain Michelle Smith enlisted in the Ohio National Guard when she was 18 years old. Sixteen years later she decided to become an officer. Four months after receiving a direct commission as a 2nd Lieutenant, she was leading a Military Police platoon in Iraq. The year was 2003.
Describing her experience, Capt. Smith said, “My unit was mortared everyday. We spent our time patrolling the roads, on constant alert for Improvised Explosive Devices (IED), ambushes and attacks. During an insurgency, you can’t tell who the enemy is, and because of the Rules of Engagement, we could not defend ourselves unless we could identify who was attacking us. One day we were ambushed and an IED went off right beside our vehicle and the vehicle behind us. Fortunately, it wasn’t a well made bomb. This is how we lived for ten months, never knowing what might happen next. Added to this stress was the knowledge that I was responsible for the lives of the 32 soldiers in my Platoon. Adrenalin flowed through my veins constantly, whether I was awake or asleep.”
When Capt. Smith returned to Ohio, she was a changed person. She began drinking daily to avoid dealing with her “hidden demons.” For five years, her situation continued to grow worse until one day she attended a suicide prevention class conducted by the National Guard. “For all those months and years, I hadn’t been honest with myself. I had been self-medicating. Sitting in that class, I knew immediately that they were talking about me. The following Monday I started seeing a therapist.”
Capt. Smith was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Depression. Her journey to accept, adjust to and live with mental illness has been difficult. She credits her husband, her therapist, and the National Guard for helping her to move forward.
“When I really broke down and admitted I needed help, my husband — a retired Marine – tried to treat me like a Marine and took a tough approach that did not help. I told him that ‘if I don’t have you to talk to, then I am completely alone’. That really got through to him and since then he has been my rock. He is also a strong advocate for soldiers and families,” she said.
“I also credit my therapist for helping me learn to cope with the symptoms of PTSD. PTSD causes me to have difficulty focusing. It takes me longer to do everything. I can’t sleep. I also find that when I don’t have control over a situation, I can suffer from paralyzing anxiety. Through therapy, I have learned coping skills that help to reduce my anxiety. For instance, every day I journal, practice yoga or work out and eat right. When my anxiety is triggered, I also use deep breathing and logic techniques. The logic technique involves me thinking through the situation and identifying how it is and is not like Iraq. For instance, if I can’t reach my husband on the phone, my mind instantly tells me that he is dead. I have to walk through all the reasons why it is unlikely that he is dead.”
PTSD is an invisible war wound. If you lose a limb, no one expects you to apologize for it. PTSD is just as debilitating.
“As for my professional career, I’m sharing my story because I want other soldiers to see that admitting you need help, asking for it, and getting that help will not ruin your career. I can’t say enough about how supportive the National Guard leadership has been. I’m living proof that Ohio Cares.”
Capt. Smith shared the details of a new program for soldiers with PTSD that she has been asked to lead on behalf of the National Guard. The program, which will work hand in hand with OhioCares partners, has a working title of Support, Outreach and Resilience (SOAR). It is a peer to peer program being developed for soldiers and veterans; a battle buddy initiative to train soldiers to help each other get the assistance they need. “When we were in Iraq, we never talked about what it felt like to get attacked … about our anger or our fear. If we had processed those feelings as they occurred, it likely would have minimized the PTSD,” she said. Through the SOAR program and other changes that the National Guard is making to reduce stigma, Capt. Smith believes the culture is changing, allowing soldiers to get the help they need without fear.
Capt. Smith summed up her new position with the National Guard, “In the Army you believe that you are not as important as the mission. With the establishment of the SOAR program, I now have a new mission. I can use my experience to help other soldiers. I know what it’s like to want to die, but I also know what it’s like to have hope.”
As to her platoon, all 32 members in Capt. Smith’s unit made it home alive. Unfortunately, many suffer from signs of PTSD. “I have helped some to get help, but I’m not finished with some of the others.”
(For more information on OhioCares, go to http:/www.ohiocares.gov)
